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Sep. 28th, 2025 04:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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derekpoetrydumpmaybe i just want my stomach to stop hurting
i said i take the drugs to make myself feel something but it's a gamble you see a roll of the dice because too many times what i feel is that this is too fucking small do you understand i take them it cuts through the self-deception the careful modulation of bullshit the blanket that makes the world look like enough and i amd painfully aware of how unimpressively fleshy and human every person is how solid and unmystical every place is how staggeringly insignificant and unnecessary and i want something bigger.
i want something bigger than this.
and i said the mdma it makes me feel empathy for these other little nothings but we're all nothing together and i just can't be impressed by anyone anymore and the cocaine well as you can imagine that was even worse absolutely nothing is impressive on cocaine it's like being bored on steroids you're so bored that you're even bored of boredom so bored that you forget to be intimidated and the hallucinogens you'd think they'd be impressive but i know how they work and sure everything is very pretty and stuff but all my thoughts are banal and self-oriented and you know i want something bigger.
i want something bigger than this.
in the opposite direction i guess you can stifle all the awareness those drugs are okay the drugs you take to stop feeling the opioids and so the sedatives the things that blanket the world so heavily that you might as well be a duvet yourself but sometimes i just want something bigger.
i want something bigger than this.
every time i talk about it people tell me earnestly that i'm looking for god and i don't know how to tell them that there is nothing smaller than the voice humanity hallucinated into the voids in its understanding and the hand it invented to hold through its grief i want something bigger than thought something older than earth something wilder than hurricanes i want something bigger do you hear me i want more i want bigger i want to go OUT and never come back.
i said i take the drugs to make myself feel something but it's a gamble you see a roll of the dice because too many times what i feel is that this is too fucking small do you understand i take them it cuts through the self-deception the careful modulation of bullshit the blanket that makes the world look like enough and i amd painfully aware of how unimpressively fleshy and human every person is how solid and unmystical every place is how staggeringly insignificant and unnecessary and i want something bigger.
i want something bigger than this.
and i said the mdma it makes me feel empathy for these other little nothings but we're all nothing together and i just can't be impressed by anyone anymore and the cocaine well as you can imagine that was even worse absolutely nothing is impressive on cocaine it's like being bored on steroids you're so bored that you're even bored of boredom so bored that you forget to be intimidated and the hallucinogens you'd think they'd be impressive but i know how they work and sure everything is very pretty and stuff but all my thoughts are banal and self-oriented and you know i want something bigger.
i want something bigger than this.
in the opposite direction i guess you can stifle all the awareness those drugs are okay the drugs you take to stop feeling the opioids and so the sedatives the things that blanket the world so heavily that you might as well be a duvet yourself but sometimes i just want something bigger.
i want something bigger than this.
every time i talk about it people tell me earnestly that i'm looking for god and i don't know how to tell them that there is nothing smaller than the voice humanity hallucinated into the voids in its understanding and the hand it invented to hold through its grief i want something bigger than thought something older than earth something wilder than hurricanes i want something bigger do you hear me i want more i want bigger i want to go OUT and never come back.
